I've been dating a girl who's a professional sausage maker, and she's always trying to get me to help her stuff the casing.

My boss told me I need to stop coming up short on my deadlines.

I told him, 'At least I'm not the one coming early.'

My piano teacher told me I needed to work on my fingering.

I said, "I'm trying, but not on a keyboard."

My career counselor said I needed to figure out how to get ahead in life.

I told her I thought I was already quite proficient at it.