I'm not arguing that Valentine's Day is overrated, but

I just think it's a holiday created by florists and jewelers to make singles feel like they're in a real-life game of 'Monopoly' – paying rent, but no one's getting a free park.

I'm not single on Valentine's Day, I'm just

in a long-distance relationship with my couch and Netflix.

My Valentine's Day plans usually involve a very specific type of bouquet.

A pizza box, surrounded by breadsticks.

Are you a box of chocolates?

Because you're making my heart melt, and I think I just got a little nutty for you.